I have always been intrigued with deep relationships and close intimacy. How we as people affect one another and are changed forever. In Buddhism, there is a strong belief that we are already interconnected. That my own getting liberated, happy and confident, forgiving and humble, will strengthen the planet as a whole. Sometimes, I overwork, I push myself too much, at other times, I daydream, I imagine a different life, a better world, just someplace else.
Recently I experienced a relationship that did not work out. Through the loss and disappointment however, I was able to stay inside the storm, knowing that I was part of a mental prison, keeping me chained to the idea of what ought to be versus what was really taking place. With meditation and yoga, I had a precious opportunity to see where my own imbalances and negativities were triggered and each day I thanked this person for bringing it up and out in me.
I love so much to tell you that my life has always been easy but it has not. Growing up, my father was very busy with his projects and business and had very little true patience with his children. Without even having a father of his own, it probably was difficult for him to see the enormous impact a parent has on a growing teenager. Meeting someone who seemed just right for me, I quickly felt redeemed from my own lack of affection and attention. I had been working 50-60 hours per week trying to get my business off the ground and suddenly at last, I thought I had met my angel.
When I went to the Caribbean to visit him, rough right? I felt in some way, that this dreamy island, this life of paradise, was my redemption for all the negativity I experienced in this life. I fell in love instantly with the place, looked around at the beautiful beaches, took in a swim everyday and felt finally I was home. Only this was to be complete illusion. Like a mirage in the desert, the more I tried to reach and connect with him, the more unavailable he became. We decided to break things off completely and I must say that I am extremely happy with my own closure process here. Sure there were things I felt would be enough to make it go the distance, but it was completely one sided.
From the start, I was the one initiated the movement and reflecting on mistakes and making necessary corrections. After about 6 months, I thought the problem was that I needed to be there physically in his presence. So I booked a ticket and stayed for 10 days to see what would happen. We had a fantastic time. But there were a few moments where we needed to “clear the air” and with this person, that could never happen!
At first I was angry with my heart, my spirit for following this course of action. But as I was able to seat with my own internal storms, I gave myself some space to accept that I had fallen into some sort of spell and not to judge it. That was very difficult. Because I wasn’t getting what I wanted at the time.
I discovered that the most beautiful thing about life, is our ability to process and transform difficult emotions. It was great to have an adventure and a little romance but he helped me to see that I don’t want to have just a casual fling now and again. That the purpose of relationship is to commit yourself to the task of being available and supportive when times get difficult. We must honor our everyday life, sweep each other off our feet, but then be able to come back down with ease and discipline.
It is in the gratitude for our everyday life, for the laundry, the bill paying, the cooking and the job that place us on much higher ground. When we realize we are part of a 4.5 billion light year galaxy and everything that takes part in this unfolding evolution, is truly a miracle, we don’t need to hide, or project, or cover our pain.
I love pursuing my passion of teaching yoga now for 14 years and wanted to share with you my excitement for finding a new inner strength and ability to feel great about what I have accomplished. The greatest of those accomplishments recently is changing the way I view love. I have had fantasy love and now I am ready to anchor into a deeper, more authentic and real kind of passion.
An ability to own, trust and increase my own RASA or INNER JOY! To allow myself this moment now to feel that I am receiving something solid, stable, and available. That can only come out of doing the work, “clearing the air” and giving oneself permission to grow and learn from our own mistakes. This is what I have discovered to be the true workings of building a house on terra firma and finding at the same time, one’s own inner paradise!